Who Can I Tell?

Coming out is not a decision to take lightly. Because of general misunderstanding about who pedophiles are, coming out could be dangerous.

We have talked to many pedophiles who came out to members of their families or to close friends and have found understanding. If done carefully, this can be successful.

It’s important to think about your reasons for coming out. Here are some factors to consider:

• Who are you thinking of telling?
• What is your relationship with them?
• Are they wise or mature enough to handle it?
• Would the news be a relief to them? Would it help explain things about you they couldn’t understand before?
• Would it be a difficult secret for them to keep? Could the news be a burden? Might they be willing to carry it anyway?
• What do you hope to change by telling them? What will things look like afterwards if it goes well?
• Have you thought through the different ways it might not go well? What are you risking that is important to you?

Unless you are in a situation that is forcing you into telling, there is no rush. It is a decision you should take time over. Some of us reflect on it for years, sometimes with the help of a therapist.

The potential benefit of coming out to someone is that you get a chance to find out if they can understand and accept you as a whole person, not just conditionally. You might also get someone who is capable of listening to your experience.

Some of the potential problems come from people who you tell feeling that they have to ‘do something’ about your pedophilia. We won’t sugar coat it: this can lead to losing jobs, family relationships and your standing in your communities.

If you’re not sure yet, you can seek advice from other pedophiles if you join the peer support community in our forum.