Someone I'm Thinking of Getting Close to Is in Trouble Over Illegal Behavior

  • Home /
  • Someone I'm thinking of getting close to is in trouble over illegal behavior

We are so sorry you are going through this. It is painful when we discover someone we care about carries such a big secret.

First of all, just take a deep breath. Try not to panic. If the illegal behavior involves direct sexual abuse of minors, in person, through making images or through online contact, this is almost certainly not a relationship you want. If you are strong enough and care enough to provide emotional support to your friend during what might be a prolonged, painful legal ordeal, you have our admiration. But for almost everyone, this is too much, and moving on makes sense, particularly if you are strongly emotionally affected by this revelation.

It is more common for the illegal behavior to involve CSEM (child sexual exploitation material, also known as child pornography). This is also a very serious charge, but it is important to remember that many individuals who use CSEM have no history of sexual contact with children.

What you do know is that this person has interests that they are not handling appropriately. This is a big deal. Realistically, working through this situation will cost them time, money, and considerable emotional expense. Are you really in a place where you can put your life on hold for years, while waiting for this person to see if they can live a better life?

It does not mean your friend is a bad person or incapable of having a successful relationship, but they need to work through a lot of issues before they will have the emotional stability to be in a trusting adult relationship. That will take years, and you would need immense patience to stick around in the hope of a normal relationship.

If you want to support them, though, you are offering something rare that most people in this situation do not get offered.

They will need to do their own work on accepting their behavior and possibly their attraction to children (not all CSEM users are pedophiles), avoiding all illegal behaviors in the future, and adjusting to legal consequences. You cannot do any of that work for them. It is not your job, but if you want to support them as they walk this path, it would make a big difference.

The Lucy Faithfull Foundation in the UK offer a forum for family members and friends of people who have been viewing sexual images of children or sexually communicating with a child online.



Firstly, thank you for coming to this website to find out more. Whether this news has made you panic or made you thoughtful, we can hopefully give you some perspective on the secret you now know.

Find out more


Our forum is a peer-support community. We help pedophiles anonymously and honestly discuss their experiences and feelings. We don’t allow image sharing, justification of adult-child sexual contact or encouragement of illegal behavior. Moderators enforce these rules. All posts are written in English.

Find out more


When people contact Virtuous Pedophiles, the message they write comes to us. The people we hear from most are other virtuous pedophiles. Here are some of the initial messages we have received. Reading them will give a flavor of our diversity, the themes that come up over and over again, and a hint at how many of us there are.

Read about the life experiences of virtuous pedophiles


Our panel of VirPed forum members spent 2024 answering questions about pedophlia-related issues based on their life experiences and answered questions from the curious.

Read our answers