Letters to Our Younger Selves

Hi Sam,

I know things have been hard for you lately, and you’ve just begun to realize that the attraction that you have to little girls is also sexual, not just emotional.

Yes, you are a pedophile. No, this doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.

Let me repeat, this does not in any way make you a bad person. You already know that you’re never going to act on this, so let’s not focus on that.

The most important thing for you to know is that you’re not alone. You are not the only person in the world that feels the way you do, even though it feels like no other person could possibly understand how you feel. All that we see is that there are a lot of people that just want to have sex with kids.

One thing you need to know is that there are also a lot of people that really love little girls like you do. The media doesn’t know people like you exist. They don’t know that you care about little girls as much as any adult. But there are a LOT of us. A lot more than you can imagine. It’s just a lot easier for the media to sensationalize stories in order to get ratings, but you’re a smart enough kid to understand that already in different contexts.

Pretty soon, you’re going to find some websites with pedophiles that love little girls in the same way that you do. The relief you feel when you find these places is going to be indescribable. Some of these people do love children as much as you do, but they live in an internet fantasy world.

Every one of them conforms to the idea that under certain circumstances, it’s OK to act on your feelings. You are an extremely open-minded person, and are willing to entertain any viewpoint no matter how ridiculous, objectively analyze it, and either validate it or dismiss it.

The problem is that your feelings are going to cloud your judgment. The need to be understood and accepted and loved for who you are is going to cloud your judgment. You’ll come to believe that if two people are in love, that such a thing conquers everything around it.

The problem is that children don’t live in the same world that we do. Children don’t understand the adult world. Children need adults to guide them. They are equal, yes, but because of their lack of experience in life, they need extra special care and attention in learning how to acclimate to our society. Child/adult relations are never, ever going to be acceptable, and everyone that says otherwise is completely delusional. Sorry you have to hear that, but it is true.

We need to make sure that when children grow up, they are able to navigate the adult world as easily as possible. Extreme deviations from society’s norms are going to really hurt them at the expense of your pleasure. I know you’ll still never act on your attractions even when you begin to believe that true love can never be wrong, because you know that you could never take that risk because you know that you could never be sure that the child loves you as much as you love her, but please remember my words.

It’s going to get better though. Some day you will find a group of pedophiles where you will finally feel truly at home. These people will really help you to use your attraction to do everything you can to help make the world a better place.

I believe we are the way we are for a reason. When you are at your lowest, desperately wishing for something that you’ll never allow yourself to have, just know that the struggles that you face you face for a reason. In your life, you will help so many people to overcome their own struggles. You will save lives. You will develop a great amount of empathy for all of society’s rejects. You will appreciate beauty the likes of which many people will never understand, and I’m not just talking about the beauty of little girls. I’m talking about appreciating a certain fragility of the human condition.

Right now, you’re weak and scared. I don’t say this to hurt, but to let you know I understand. You don’t know if you’ll ever get ‘over the hump’. You’re worried that you may have an empty and meaningless life. But you won’t. Over time, and with experience, you will become a far stronger and more confident person. This attraction will never go away, but NEVER let it affect your self-esteem. I know it’s hard, believe me, it’s something that is an ongoing battle, but you will get better at fighting the dark undertow that is always tugging at your feet.

Think about everything I’ve said and give it some time, OK?

And by the way, in your life, you are going to become good friends with little girls that will love to be around you and spend time with you. Please enjoy the little things, playing with them, talking to them, watching movies with them. These are some of the great simple pleasures of life. But don’t let these experiences feed the monstrous black hole of desire. Accept these experiences for what they are, a way to reward you for staying on the right path.

You may not love yourself yet, but I love you.

Adult Sam

Craig,

Hi. It’s me, yourself at 41 years old. Hard to believe, huh?

Right now, I know you’re wondering lots of things. You wonder what this long life will hold. I won’t tell you everything, but there are some things you need to know. Yes, you’ll do just fine in college, even some graduate school. You’ll have a good job, though it won’t be as exciting as you’re imagining now. It will pay the bills, though, and take you to some interesting places, sometimes. You’ll have some nice things, but you’ll also find that the more you have, the more you worry.

Speaking of worry, I know that right now, the biggest thing you’re worried about is whether you’ll eventually find a girl that likes you. Go on a date. Have a girlfriend. Get married. Eventually have sex some day. Listen – don’t worry about it. It will happen. I know right now it seems like you’re waiting forever, but it won’t be long, really, before girls start liking you, and you start dating. Yes, you will get married to a wonderful woman. Marriage won’t always be easy, but it will be good overall. Yes, you will have sex. But be patient. Try to enjoy your life now, and not be too bogged down with worry over whether it will ever happen. It will. Some day, you’ll look back and wish you hadn’t spent so much time worrying about when that would come, and just enjoyed this part of your life more.

Right now you can’t wait to have sex, and are just worried if it will ever happen. But there’s something else in your life that’s going to complicate things for you sexually. Don’t panic – you’re going to handle it well – but you should be prepared.

Of all the girls you like right now, one is not like all the others. She’s quite a bit younger, and I think that, deep down, you realize that she’s really too young for you to like the way you like her. Yes, I’m talking about the little girl across the street. You know who I mean. It’s OK. It’s not your fault that you feel the way you do about her, and there’s nothing wrong with having those feelings, as long as you don’t actually DO anything about them, beyond having some fantasies. So relax.

But while you shouldn’t feel bad about liking her, you also need to take this more seriously than you realize right now. This isn’t just about one little girl. Before long, you’ll notice other little girls that you’ll start to like in the same way. Right now, you tend to like girls a little younger than you. And you’ve never really liked grown-up women, like your friends all seem to be so crazy about, right? The thing is, as you get older, that’s not going to change. You’re not going to just start liking adult women, at least not much, and not much beyond young adult, college-age women. Not even when you’re an adult yourself. Yes, that might make things a little bit difficult when you’re married. But you’re always going to like little girls – girls just as young as you-know-who, and even younger than her some day, and even as you get older, and older, and older. In fact, as you get older, you won’t even think much about adult women at all. You’ll be almost exclusively attracted to little girls – emotionally, and romantically, and yes, sexually too.

This shouldn’t surprise you too much. Think about how much you like kids, especially girls. Think about how they warm your heart, how you seem to have this connection with them, more than most guys your age do. That’s no fluke. It’s a gift. Don’t take it for granted. It’s something special about you – something that makes you unique. But for you, there’s more to it than just warm feelings. You’re starting to notice that it’s sexual as well. Well Craig, I’m sorry, but it’s not going away.

There’s a word for people like you, that you’ve probably heard, but haven’t thought about much. That word is “pedophile.” It just means that you are sexually attracted to children who haven’t hit puberty yet (in your case, just girls). There are lots of pedophiles who are like you, and are attracted to kids, and love them, but would never actually try to have sex with them because it’s wrong, and they know that kids aren’t ready for that. But some pedophiles aren’t such good people, and actually molest children. A lot of people think that all pedophiles molest kids, so it’s sort of treated as a dirty word. You like to think of yourself as a good person (and you are). So as you realize these things about yourself, and try to wrap your mind around it all, being lumped in with these other people who hurt kids is going to seem strange. I know that right now, you just want to be “normal,” to think of yourself as a normal kid, to grow up to have a normal life. Trust me, though, normal is overrated. You’re kind of strange, and you’re stuck with it. But it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. You’re part of a very misunderstood group of people. That won’t always be easy. You’ll have to hold on tight to what you know about yourself to make it through. You’ve been raised to be a good person, and not want to hurt people, and at heart you know that you ARE that person. Hold on tight to those values and follow them. You’ll need them. They’ll keep you safe.

By the way, kids are gonna love you. You’ll have lots of opportunities to volunteer, especially at church, and work with kids. You’ll be a good leader and teacher, and kids will look up to you. All these emotional feelings you have for kids, the good kind – they’ll pay off. You’ll be a great influence.

For a while, the hardest part will be the loneliness of being the only pedophile that you know of. But just wait. Eventually, you’ll meet other pedophiles like you, who don’t abuse kids. They’ll be from all over the world, and you’ll talk “online,” by computer (just wait a few years – the world’s about to get a lot more connected. It’ll change everything.) Just knowing there are others like you, and getting to talk to them, and hear their stories, will be a big source of strength for you. And you’ll share your experiences with them, and hopefully it will be a help, in some small way, to some other pedophiles when they need it. You’ll be a small part of a sort of movement, a group of good pedophiles coming together to help each other, and trying to show the world that not all of us are bad.

Hang in there, Craig. You’re all right, even if you don’t always feel like it. Remember to believe in yourself and keep doing what’s right. It’s not exactly what you’ve been imagining so far, but trust me: you’re gonna have a life worth living.

Adult Craig

Hello Markus,

You’ve experienced quite a lot, haven’t you? You realised you were a paedophile when you were 14. And you’ve known what it means to experience sexual violence since you were eight. You were often alone, and your childhood wasn’t always nice. You didn’t have many people you could rely on.

And you often wondered what you were actually doing in this world, didn’t you? Why you were actually alive. You wanted to die when you were 17.

There was a lot of weight on your shoulders. You always blamed yourself, and the only person who really loved you was therefore overburdened and alone. That’s why you suppressed your feelings. You had no other choice, and only much later did you realise your own worth.

I know that your fears weighed heavily on you and that you were always in pain. Our scars always remind us of the past, and your pain is nothing more than the memory of your soul. But I believe that the soul can heal. And the biggest influence on the soul is other people in your life. Friends who are emotionally related to you, you can call it. Seeing happy children is a beautiful thing, and it reminds us humans of who we once were. We are often still children and see the world with a lightness and joy that some people can no longer feel.

Every new day is a day later. You can shape your own path in life, and nobody understood your many tears. But you walked the path anyway and today your friends and Fate and Challenge e. V. have healed you.

But sometimes you still cry even though your wounds are almost closed.

You couldn’t love yourself, but now I love you.

Adult Markus