We are assuming that in this case you are not the victim of any crime that has been committed by your parent. This advice is aimed at other family members.
We are so sorry this is happening to you and your family. It must feel as though your world is coming apart. But remember human beings are incredibly resilient. You have already taken a big step in reaching out to VirPed. Maybe our perspective can help.
Right now we have allegations, which may or may not be true. Your parent will seek legal representation. If the allegation is about somebody in your family, they also will be engaging with the prosecutors.
You can choose to ask your parent to tell you the truth. If they have had sexual contact with a minor, particularly one in your family, you will need some time and space to decide what kind of relationship and support you can provide your parent in future. Take care of yourself and the rest of your family during this time. You will need to help yourself before you can help others.
If the allegation is not one of in-person abuse, online grooming or the making of illegal images, then it probably involves viewing CSEM (child sexual exploitation material, also known as child pornography). This is also a very serious charge, but it is important to remember that many individuals who use CSEM have no history of sexual contact with children.
Using CSEM does not necessarily imply they are a pedophile. Some people who use CSEM are not. Some are but feel there are strong reasons not to admit it.
if they are a pedophile, the chances are your parent has lived with this secret for a long time. Most closeted pedophiles have an overwhelming amount of shame and guilt. But living in denial of our sexuality is a heavy burden. Most individuals who consume CSEM are not hands-on abusers. Sometimes people convince themselves that since they are not directly abusing children, that somehow watching CSEM is acceptable. That is untrue.
Whether they are a pedophile or not, problems with family, job/school, and finances will be overwhelming when a person is under investigation without the allegation being proven.
Another common problem is that individuals hide their sexuality but find themselves drawn to images on the internet that started “innocently” but which became more provocative over time. Some people become addicted to illegal images, even if they know watching those images is harmful for themselves and harmful for children. Getting help for this kind of sexual behavior or addiction is very difficult, given the shame and legal consequences.
Perhaps you do not have a close relationship with your parent and would be uncomfortable supporting them, or even being around them in this situation. If you decide trying to help them during this difficult time is too painful for you, and that you need to focus on healing for yourself and the rest of your family, no one will judge.
But perhaps you love your parent very much, and your parent loves you and this still means something to you. Your parent did not pick this attraction. They may well have made serious mistakes in handling it, knowing that sometimes our best is not good enough. This may also be a chance for your parent to work on a difficult issue they have avoided their entire life.
Being a pedophile is not a choice. If you are willing, helping your parent with the difficult, often lengthy emotional and legal processes could be an enormous help in a very difficult situation. You may also have a chance to listen to their side of the story. It may be painful to hear, but the truth often is.
We tell ourselves we love our family unconditionally, but sometimes this can and should include setting boundaries and not simply doing what they want.
The Lucy Faithfull Foundation in the UK offer a forum for family members and friends of people who have been viewing sexual images of children or sexually communicating with a child online.
Firstly, thank you for coming to this website to find out more. Whether this news has made you panic or made you thoughtful, we can hopefully give you some perspective on the secret you now know.
Our forum is a peer-support community. We help pedophiles anonymously and honestly discuss their experiences and feelings. We don’t allow image sharing, justification of adult-child sexual contact or encouragement of illegal behavior. Moderators enforce these rules. All posts are written in English.
When people contact Virtuous Pedophiles, the message they write comes to us. The people we hear from most are other virtuous pedophiles. Here are some of the initial messages we have received. Reading them will give a flavor of our diversity, the themes that come up over and over again, and a hint at how many of us there are.
Read about the life experiences of virtuous pedophiles
Our panel of VirPed forum members spent 2024 answering questions about pedophlia-related issues based on their life experiences and answered questions from the curious.