VirPed Panel: 18 February 2024

“Swedish podcaster” asks:

Do pedophiles have children? What is that like? [If you don’t have children, do you want to have? Why/why not?]

I don’t have any kids, and am not interested in having any. This has less to do with my attractions and more to do with what a huge responsibility it is. It’s a lot of pressure, and it’s something you would want to take extra special care to try to get it as right as you could.

For me, having kids was never in the cards. I never figured out how it could be possible. And now, I’m too old to think about it. But I’m envious of friends who have grandchildren or nieces and nephews. Being around kids makes me feel younger. I’ve had many pedophile friends over the years who were parents. They tend to be very protective of their kids.

I always imagined myself being a parent, long before I realised I was attracted to minors.

When I was in the situation of becoming a parent for the first time I did worry about having a daughter and whether I would have inappropriate feelings for her.

Mercifully I didn’t get to find out as all my children were boys. But I remember feeling attracted to girls that would be in their orbit at school, and I used to struggle with feelings of guilt and shame about that.

Parenthood never interested me when I was a child growing up. I wanted to pursue a career.

When I realised I enjoyed the company of kids (in the regular sense, I mean) it crossed my mind a few times that maybe I would make a good dad, but I noticed that any daydreams I had about future parenthood were all about having sons, never daughters. That tipped me off that they weren’t a sincere parental wish, or at least that they were sort of tangled up with my attractions.

It never became a plan in any case, and I never pursued it at all. I married respectably, and enjoyed childlessness. I was happy to be “good with kids” for a couple of hours at a time when that was required from family or family friends.

A few years into my marriage I was asked by a lesbian friend if I and my husband would donate sperm for her to conceive a child. I was relieved when my husband agreed with me that we shouldn’t. My reluctance wasn’t much about potential future interactions with this child, as the thought of having someone show up with questions 16 years in the future.

But for me it was also some fear about inflicting these genes on someone who like me would be forced to grow up with nobody to ask about these feelings. Glad I never really had to engage with that quandary, and I’m not all that curious about what would have happened.

I first realized I was a pedophile in my 50s. At that point my three daughters were grown and the nest was empty. I never felt anything but typical parental feelings my own daughters. I do recall some of their friends melting my heart, since they seemed so amazingly wonderful in every respect. But I understood proper boundaries and never came close to doing anything inappropriate, even at an emotional level.

If I had discovered what was behind those tender feelings and thought of myself as a pedophile while the girls were still young, I suspect the main problem would have been secrecy – feeling bad about keeping a secret from my partner, or dealing with the fallout from disclosure.

I would love to have kids some day. Part of my attraction is also a love for children and being able to raise and care for them sounds nice. That said there are issues for me. The temptation is a slightly scary thought. I’m 99.9% sure I’d never do anything, but it’s a bit unnerving thinking how easily it could be to get away with doing something. Also there’s some other struggles that could come with it and it could be tough not being able to tell most people in my life about those. I don’t know if I’ll ever have kids, I hope I can one day and can grow to 100% trust myself.

That said I know other pedophiles that have children and are amazing parents that have done good for their kids. Most maps won’t end up being attracted to their own children anyway so that helps them.

From the outside, I am like every other loving parent. No one would look at me and think that I am pedophile parent. I love my son more than life itself, and he means absolutely everything to me.

Was I ever worried I was gonna abuse him? No, not at all.

Was I ever worried I was gonna be attracted to him? Yes.

Have I been? No, not really.

I can say that he is pretty, adorable, and handsome, but that is much more akin to what other parents feel about their children than it is comparable to what I feel about other boys (sexually and romantically).

From the day he was born, I have vowed to keep him from him harm and to be the best parent I can be.

If you want to know the more nitty-gritty of being a parent who is also a pedophile, I can add that I am certainly attracted to some of his friends. I still have no worries about being around them because I know that I am not a danger to anyone.

I have also had nagging thoughts at the back of my head during situations of intimate care with my son. Such as bath-time or diaper changes. I knew it was never rational, but thoughts like “Am I doing this, this specific way, because it is something he needs or because I like it?” I always knew the answer was the former, but the irrational thought still popped up at times.

I have a 25 year old daughter. In my years of shame, during the alcohol and porn use, I was emotionally absent. When she was a 7th grader I spent a year in prison. I know it was humiliating and painful for her. I have always had good physical boundaries and was never tempted in any way to abuse her, her friends, or anyone she associated with. But after prison I sobered up, ceased isolating in the computer room, and have been much more emotionally available. I have tried to make amends, and I think they have been mostly successful. I will have 13 years of sobriety in a week. Our relationship is close and has never been better, although I know she finds my unwanted sexual orientation unpleasant and creepy. I think she knows I do the best I can, and accepts me as I truly am. I have loved being a sober father. MAPs can be good parents, but I feel bad for those who have to keep everything a secret from the people they love.

I have a son in his mid-twenties now. The Westermark effect is something we refer to. It is basically a non-attraction to one’s own children. It is akin to non-attraction between siblings. For me, it was very effective. It is for others as well. Some parents do struggle with attraction to their own children. But this is not unlike attraction to minors in general. It is something one would never dream of acting on. The repulsion of an act often strongly overpowers the thoughts associated with attraction.

I don’t know if I want to have children, honestly. I don’t know if I want to bring someone into the world with the way it is. It has nothing to do with me being a pedophile. For me, it’s an ethical issue.

I am a father to children of both genders. Having children caused me intense anxiety and made it difficult for me to bond with them. Each time I learned my partner was pregnant I thought it would be the end of me. I believed the narrative that all pedophiles were necessarily child predators, and believed I would be compelled to kill myself to protect my children from myself. Once I did bond with them and got over that narrative, though, fatherhood has been rewarding and beautiful. I enjoy being a father a lot. My children love me, and I love them (I hate that I feel compelled to clarify, and that some people will not believe my clarification: I love my children in a familial, nonsexual way).

I’m not a parent. Until recently, I never considered it to be a possibility. I assumed that I would never be in a relationship with another adult, which excluded the possibility of being a dad (except for single parent adoption, but I don’t want to go down that road). Now that I’m in a relationship with another adult (long story, I’m still exclusive but I developed a strong emotional connection to him, and he accepts who I am and knows that I would never try to abuse a child), and now that we have talked about moving in together and getting married, parenthood has been on my mind more often. Over the past few years I discovered that I really enjoy working and volunteering with children, and the company of children gives me a lot of joy. Part of me thinks that I would really love being a parent, and thankfully the Westermarck effect is strong with me in regards to my siblings when I was growing up, and I would hope that something similar would happen if I became a parent. Either way, I am absolutely confident that I would never abuse my own child in any way.

Of course, working with kids and being a parent are very different things. Having to raise a child from birth and everything that comes with that seems like a daunting task, and there’s a lot I need to sort out in my life before parenthood is feasible. But it’s a distinct possibility, and one that I like to dream about.