VirPed Panel: 21 July 2024

“12MillionSandGrains” asks:

What positive(s) is there in your underaged attraction for you?

That is definitely not the easiest question that that has ever been asked. Maybe the most straight forward way of responding is to say that without being minor attracted, I wouldn’t be me, and I kind of like myself. I have an empathy for children that goes well beyond what others feel.

But if I had to measure whether the positives outweigh the negatives, I’d still have to say no. The negatives became a little overwhelming later in life. But it isn’t that I’ve ever had much of a choice. One kind of makes the best of it. I’ve tried to do that. Part of that is trying to give back to those who also find themselves overwhelmed and afraid of their attraction, through helping them accept it and cope better. The most difficult part is trying to imagine I’m someone I’m not. Who on earth would I be if I weren’t minor attracted? Would I be a better person, somehow? I’ll stick with who I am.

If I didn’t have fingers, I’d be less prone to frostbite. Risk of frostbite would be a nicer problem to have than a lack of fingers though.

To answer your question, the most obvious positive is that I have a real perspective of being on the receiving end of oppression and bigotry. For me, it’s woodchipper memes and the illegality of FSM and lack of resources for MAPs, stuff that might not stick out as running parallel to the oppression and bigotry that other minority groups have to deal with. The years of denial and repression is a place where I can directly empathise with queer folks, however. This may all seem like a huge negative, and it is, but it’s a positive because it has given me bounties of knowledge and wisdom I wouldn’t have otherwise.

Being a MAP also means I don’t have to worry about being in an unhappy marriage, because I simply won’t be in a marriage.

Finally, the best thing about being attracted to little girls is that they are very pretty. Okay, but the actual best thing is I get to call myself a nonce and have friends call me a nonce and it’s very funny. I get why gay folks wanted to reclaim the f-slur now.

It’s made me more aware of unfairness for other minority groups. In the white middleclass bubble I would otherwise have been in, people think society has left behind prejudice and tribalism in favour of meritocracy and accountability for choices. But the way people talk about pedophiles who never chose our attraction proves this false.

Being one of the “talked about but never talked to” made me aware of the gap between media stereotypes versus people’s varied real-world experience. It’s made me aware that many (most?) social media ’takes’ are worthless, built on false or generalised assumptions.

The insight of difference is worth having. It makes you stop and listen when the vulnerable speak, and it makes you healthily sceptical of self-confident bullshitters online.

Being a MAP helped influence my politic ideologies, it taught me a lot about how horrible we treat the mentally ill, criminals, children, pedophiles, and child abuse victims. Without being a map, I wouldn’t have the experiences that shaped me today in a way I would consider positive. In a way, suffering from the stigma of pedophilia taught me a lot about how stigma is harmful in society in general.

“Ordinary” men and women, often starting out as boys and girls, find themselves having crushes of varying intensity on people of the opposite sex. Feeling that attraction is part of the human experience – part of being fully alive. Of course it’s nice if one of those crushes leads to a real relationship, but even in the many cases where it doesn’t the crush itself can feel very good. I often feel the same thing for girls of a single-digit age. That is a positive part of my being a pedophile. I didn’t choose to react that way to girls. What was my alternative? To hate myself, deny my own feelings, and shun children?

Most people might hear of pedophile attractions and think only of the danger of abuse. But I and many others in my position know that we would never do anything inappropriate. When my own children were young I volunteered with kids in structured, supervised settings (but never sought individual friendships). The volunteering had an additional element of satisfaction to me that it wouldn’t to ordinary adults.

Men’s sexual interest in adult women sometimes leads to sexual violence, a very serious problem. But once a man is educated about the issues and with self-control assured, he should celebrate his sexual desire. I suspect most women would prefer their partners to be that way than forever tentative and feeling guilty for the sexual violence that their fellow men sometimes perpetrate. People of good will should extend that to all people – to embrace their sexual desire, whatever it is – as long as they have safety covered.

Most men can find enthusiastic adult partners, at least now and then. I never can find a girl partner – and ultimately, in the final analysis, am dead-set against the idea – but that doesn’t change the fundamental situation. The secret attraction often feels good, in a respectful, life-affirming way.

I would say that the greatest thing it’s done for me is to allow me to have empathy for any person that is a part of any group, even groups that I personally despite. There’s always a story as to why a person is the way that they are. and I am always curious to know that story.

I’ll echo everyone else. It’s very painful to be a pedophile, and you have to do a lot of work to sort through major aspects of your existence. Listening to other people’s problems becomes easy in comparison, but not at the expense of caring deeply about them and their feelings and experiences. I really love people, I really care about them, and I really want to listen to them and help them. I don’t know for certain that I would have these characteristics if I weren’t a pedophile.

I doubt I have anything to add.

I cannot recommend this. It has caused pain. But it has made me a much less judgmental and more forgiving person. Who am I to judge anyone? It has also brought me closer to my higher power. I have made close friends in VP and have learned I am not alone. I have learned life is hard, often unfair, but that I am not special and we all need to help each other while walking a path of dignity and connection.

Not a lot. Obviously we have different views on the beauty of children, but I feel like we also have a different kind of sympathy for kids. Kids love getting attention from adults, and in a perfect world people like us could make natural teachers or child therapists or great candidates for Big Brother/Big Sister type programs.

It allows me to see beauty where others cannot, and to empathize with those who are like me. As much as it is a curse, to want what I can never have, in another way it is also a wonderful gift.

There are two very big positives that it’s brought to my life.

The first is that it has made me much more aware of the many different viewpoints that people bring to the world. I know that if I were not a pedophile, I would probably hate people like me and never give it another thought. That reflection has helped me to think differently about others’ viewpoints, including both marginalized groups and even those who disagree with me politically. By being so clearly in the minority, it has forced me to engage with what thinking objectively really means and when it is and isn’t possible.

The second is that it has helped me to meet so many more people, from so many different walks of life than I would have otherwise. I’ve had deeply personal conversations with people from all over the world, and I’ve met people and bonded with people outside of my social class and life experiences. I really appreciate that.

Don’t get me wrong: I would have traded this away if I could. But it really does have its advantages, and gives me some unique outlooks on life.

One of the many things I have learned over the years is that if you want to be happy, you have to make the most out of every situation, even if it’s a shit one. Yes, being attracted to people who can’t consent, and being part of the most hated group of people in society, and being scared to tell your family and friends this secret for fear of rejection (or worse), are all pretty shitty things. Yet, I still find positives about being a pedophile.

The first is that it has made me a lot more aware of the stigma. If I wasn’t a pedophile, I’m not sure if it would ever have occurred to me that non-offending, anti-contact pedophiles exist, or that the hate and dehumanization that pedophiles receive on a regular basis (“They’re all monsters”, “Kill all pedos” etc) is as bad as it is. Perhaps I would’ve assumed that all pedophiles are child molesters. Being a pedophile has made me a lot more aware and educated about these issues, not just about other pedophiles but also other sexual minorities who also don’t quite have society’s acceptance, as well as more tolerance for what people are into (I can’t really judge anyone for being into anything when I’m into kids, can I?).

Another positive is the result of being involved with VirPed; I have met some amazing friends, including a fellow pedophile who ended up being my boyfriend. We love each other so much and I’ve never been able to relate to anyone better. Being a pedophile has helped me make connections to people all across the world, and I have friends on different continents as well as in towns I didn’t even know existed. If I wasn’t a pedophile, I’d have never met these people, and I’d never have amazing adventures with them.

I don’t know if this one is because I’m a pedophile or if it’s just my personality, but over the years I discovered that I love being around kids. I worked as a camp counsellor and currently volunteer with kids in my local community, and I have some of the best memories from both. I have a lot of patience for kids and I enjoy playing with them and immersing myself into their world, something I’m not sure I’d be good at if I wasn’t a pedophile.

I used to think that I’d happily replace my attraction to children with an attraction to adults if I could do so safely, but now I’m not so sure. Would I want to give up all of this? I don’t think so.

It’s difficult to scroll past all these answers and not say that I echo all of it. It’s not a thing that is too often thought about for sure, as conversations about minor attraction usually involves the tough parts of it, including but not limited to the depression and loneliness.

However now that I am past all that and live quite a good life, I can say that there are positive sides to it. As the others have mentioned I feel like I have a heightened ability to understand minority groups and what it’s like to be different, because without my pedophilia I would’ve been in a large majority.

There’s also a thing to be said about the fact that my pedophilia has been given me such large amounts of trouble and hardships, and what follows that is the ability to deal with grief and hardships. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is a cliche, but I feel for me it is very true. I know how to deal with things, and I am also quite good at helping other people deal with things.

The only other thing I feel very strongly about bringing forth is the fact that due to being a pedophile, I found VirPed. And through VirPed I’ve met some of the most beautiful and amazing people I’ve ever had the honour to speak to. These are people I am now lucky enough to call my friends and I am beyond grateful to be able to do that.

I don’t know what my life would’ve looked like without my pedophilia. I might’ve had other issues. All I know is that I’ve made a lot of choices because of who I am. Some not so good, and some amazing choices. Would I’ve taken a pedophilia-be-gone pill 5 years ago? Yes, for certain. Today? Honestly? No.