VirPed Panel: 11 August 2024

“Scaling Enthusiast” asks:

For those who are exclusive, have you ever forced yourself to intimately (romantically or sexually) engage in an adult relationship? What was the experience like for you?

Before answering the question more directly, I’d like to point out that I believe that viewing exclusivity and nonexclusivity as a binary is problematic; it is true that someone can only be one or the other, but the implications are that if one is nonexclusive, one has a healthy attraction to adults. This is not always the case. We view other aspects of sexuality as a spectrum—homosexuality and heterosexuality, young versus old, etc. It only makes sense to view exclusivity and nonexclusivity in this way, too.

The reason I bring this up is that I cannot claim to be truly exclusive. There is some small part of me that does experience attraction to adults, but beyond rarely masturbating to those thoughts or pornography (a handful of times a year), it is nonfunctional. A typical sex life has proven impossible for me, and emotionally, I don’t experience the same connection with adults that I long for with children. Viewing exclusivity and nonexclusivity as a spectrum, I’m far towards the exclusive end.

For several years in my 20s, I was in a relationship with a teleiophilic woman. She knew of my attractions to kids, and though she claimed to be accepting, her actual acceptance seemed to shift day-to-day—sometimes hour-to-hour. For a number of reasons both related and not related to my pedophilia, we were incompatible, and I broke things off with her. Not wanting to air her or my own dirty laundry, I’ll spare the details. Suffice to say, we each experienced substantial pain over the course of our relationship. In the end, it had become apparent to me that I simply wasn’t as attracted to adults as I’d thought, and the day I broke up with her was the day I came to terms with the fact that I would never experience anything approaching a normal romantic life. In fact, I promised myself at the time I’d never date again.

Around a year later, I realized that I did experience some level of attraction to other pedophiles. I experience an emotional attraction to them that I don’t with teleiophiles. Admittedly, I can also experience sexual arousal knowing that others experience attraction to children similarly to myself. A friend suggested to me that I consider finding another MAP partner, and after some consideration, it seemed like a possibility. I amended that promise I’d made to myself to instead state that I’d never again date a teleiophile.

It wasn’t for several more years that I did manage to meet a MAP relatively close geographically who was mutually interested in a relationship. We’re now approaching a year together, and I think we’re both very happy with the state of things. Our sex life is built around a shared sexuality. It’s far from normal, but I’m happy with what it is. Emotionally, we understand each other. That’s something I could only have with another pedophile.

I feel lucky that I currently have a partner. Not all exclusively-leaning MAPs could necessarily have that. However, I do think there’s also something to be said about platonic companionship. Even if i couldn’t make a romantic relationship work, I believe I would still desire some sort of life partner. It’s a cold, lonely world for MAPs, and having someone to mutually experience it with can help a lot.

For me, this could be a blank page. No, I’ve never attempted an adult relationship. 100% exclusive is just that. As friends entered into relationships and I didn’t, I rather convincingly assured myself that they were miserable. I wasn’t lonely. I was free. So maybe it sounds like I was deluding myself. But the thing is that I wasn’t. I sincerely believed it and still do.

If you asked me this question 2-3 years ago, my answer would have been absolutely not. Ever since I fully realized that I was a pedophile at the age of 16, and even when I discovered my attractions at 13, I knew that I was completely exclusive and had zero interest in dating or being intimate with anyone my own age. The thought of doing anything sexual with an adult or a teenager the same age as me didn’t appeal to me in the slightest. I was always uncomfortable whenever the topic of discussion amongst my peers was who we thought was hot, who we’d want to date etc, because I’d have no way to answer that. I pretty much accepted that I would never have a partner and I was single for life. And in some ways I was okay with that, to an extent. I liked keeping to myself and sticking to my own routines.

I floated the idea of having a platonic pedophile partner, and I have some very close friendships with other anti-contact pedophiles. Since joining VirPed, I considered that to be the closest I would get to having a fulfilling relationship. One of these close friends was due to meet up with me and others from VirPed. We got on well, but he was slightly non-exclusive and admitted that he had feelings for me, which I was moved by but I felt bad as I didn’t have feelings for him at the time. He suggested being intimate, cuddling etc during the meetup, which I said yes to but I wasn’t that enthusiastic about it. I wasn’t quite forcing myself into it, but I was getting out of my comfort zone a little bit.

At the meetup, we were intimate, and it’s if a bomb went off in my head. I never thought I would enjoy adult intimacy, but I quickly found myself loving the alone time I was spending with him. Our personalities complimented each other very well, and we shared similar taste in boys. Suddenly, being intimate with him was on my mind constantly, and it could only ever happen with another pedophile who I feel close to because in general I have zero attraction to adults.

We’re now boyfriends, and I still describe myself as completely exclusive, just with an emotional connection to my boyfriend which allows me to be intimate with him.

I felt more exclusive when I was younger, and in an attempt to run away from my feelings toward children, I ended up marrying someone who I had absolutely no feelings for. I liked her as a friend, and we got along very well, but there was not much there aside from that. I imagine it’s analogous to a gay man marrying a woman 50 years ago (or even today in some circles) in order to keep up appearances.

What I’ve realized is that I am absolutely attracted to adults, but I wasn’t attracted to her. It takes a certain kind of personality for me, childlike in certain ways and very sweet and empathic.

I am exclusively attracted to boys and I’ve known that since starting to realize my pedophilia at 12. However, I was in denial for quite a few years, and I was 17 when I broke down completely and fell into a deep depression, with added suicidality, because of what I am. Around the same time I had a female friend who told me that she was in love with me. I did force myself into a relationship for two egotistical reasons. 1. It could keep me alive. 2. Maybe I’d be able to change my attractions. I quickly realized that the latter did not happen, so it was reduced to me only being in this relationship because I wanted someone to depend on my existence.

Romantically I felt nothing for her. To me we were friends with benefits. Even though I didn’t even like those benefits. Having sex with her was only physically stimulating, but not sexually or sensually stimulating. We didn’t have a lot of sex because I often didn’t even get it started, or I went limp quickly after starting. This took a toll on us both. But her love for me made her stay. And life just got stuck in routine. The relationship lasted for a long time, even to the point of us having a child together. My son is my world and I love him with every fiber of my being.

Eventually, I realized that I had to end the relationship. It was tough, especially for her. But now things are good. We are friends, and in her eyes, the reason our relationship was the way it was, is because I was unknowingly gay. I am fine with her thinking that was it. I do regret fooling her for that long, and I will never get rid of the feeling that I robbed her of time she could’ve been loved by someone who actually loved her. At the same time she speaks warmly of our relationship and I know she still misses me.

I know that I will never ever get into a relationship with a teleiophile (adult attracted to adults) ever again. I can’t change my attraction, and living that lie everyday took a huge mental toll on me, not to mention the toll it took on her being in a relationship with someone who didn’t love her.