VirPed Panel: 30 September 2024

Scaling Enthusiast asks:

Have you ever had a crush or even fell in love with a child? How did that even occur considering how lacking children are in charisma?

Well, charisma is in the eye of the beholder. It’s not appropriate in these answers to get too gushy, but for me the children I’m attracted to are the most charismatic people I’ll ever meet. They just have it naturally. And I know other humans feel this way: you don’t have to be a pedophile at all to be knocked out by a kid’s smile or to feel like you would do anything to make them happy.

So, yes, I have had crushes and fallen in love before, and I am pretty confident that the few boys this happened with would never have the slightest idea that this was going on. Actually, in one case I was able to check this many years later when the boy was well into adulthood, and he confirmed that it had not at all been obvious or even suspected. I felt very validated to learn that because I hadn’t placed him in the position of having to even think about it as a kid.

There’s no point in describing how it feels to be in love or besotted. It’s been written a zillion times using a million words. Listen to all the songs, and you’ll know how I felt. The important thing is that they never did.

Anyone who claims that children lack charisma have never interacted with a single child in their life.

Okay, that might be an exaggeration. But the point of a sexual orientation is that we don’t need any logical justification for who we find attractive. I see children in my AoA as the most charming and wonderful people in the world, and many of them are an absolute joy to be around. Teleiophiles probably don’t agree, but that’s because they aren’t attracted to children. I have a hard time imagining how anyone can find adults attractive, and I’m sure your response will be “But of course they are!” Our sexuality comes with the whole package, and that includes being romantically/emotionally attracted to children and their personalities.

For the first few years of knowing about my attractions, I developed crushes on boys, mainly ones who I’d see at school, on YouTube, in movies, or just out and about. I wouldn’t say that I was in love with them as I never got to know them that well, but I did find them endearing and developed a crush on a few of them. When I was 19, I saw a boy at an event we both attended, and for a while he was yet another boy who I had a crush on. But over time we started interacting with each other, and very quickly I was head over heels for him, and he seemed to like being around me. If I tried describing how and why I feel deeply in love with him, it probably wouldn’t make sense to a non-pedophile: I thought he was beautiful, attractive and the most adorable and bubbly/excitable personality, always running up to me and chatting away to me. I like boys who are enthusiastic, that childish excitement and energy booming in them, and the times I spent with that boy are some of the best memories of my life.

You’re probably thinking “How can you possibly find that attractive?” To which I respond, how can you find adults and their personalities attractive? There’s no logic to who we’re attracted to, sexually or romantically. We just have these unchosen feelings that we can’t change.

I don’t understand where charisma comes into this. Do people only fall in love with people who are charismatic? Perhaps I’ve misunderstood the question asker’s interpretation of the word. As far as I know ‘charisma’ is just one of a great many different human traits that contribute to the spark of love. And children do have charisma anyway.

I can’t be sure if I’ve ever had a crush or fell in love with a child in a way that feels the same as crushes I’ve had on peers when I was a child myself, or on young adults earlier in my life, BUT I do feel there is something like a crush that I am able to feel for some children, elevated above the other children I find attractive. And I also feel like I have felt something like love for most cute children matching my age and gender preferences. It’s not an easily definable feeling. It might be nurturing love, paternal love, romantic love, emotional love, sexual love (sometimes) or a blend of some or all of those. I suspect a reason why I’ve never (to my recall) fallen in love with a child (while an adult) to the same degree that I’ve had deep crushes or infatuations with adults or peers is that I haven’t spent enough time with any one child to develop those deeper feelings. I suspect that if I did, I may very well be able to fall in love in the same way.

The statement about charisma baffles me. What are you saying when you mean that? Maybe you’re referring to the fact that a child isn’t going to be flirting with you or reciprocating your attraction in the way that an adult might? I’m going to assume this is what you mean.

For one thing, even though children don’t flirt with us, sometimes it feels as though they do. Consciously, you realize this isn’t happening, but sometimes it feels as though it is.

I have fallen in love with a few little girls in my life, starting from the time when I was a teen. Falling in love is, for me, an intense experience. It’s easy for me at least to compartmentalize sexual desire, but romantic feelings are far more pervasive for me. It’s equal parts wonderful and awful. It’s something I try to avoid at this point in my life, not because I’m worried about behaving inappropriately, but because it’s not something that can be realized in a way that would be fulfilling. I prefer to focus on the attractions that I have to women.

I haven’t read the other responses yet, but I suspect that others are as bewildered by the comment that children are not charismatic, as I am. Does that mean uninteresting? They don’t express wonder, get wildly excited, learn things quickly, fascinate and be fascinated, be affectionate and appreciative and generally be so much more fun than adults? I don’t think so.

In my younger years I just gravitated toward younger boys as a mid and older teen. Friends were finding girlfriends and drifted away. Kids were everywhere. They liked older brother types and put no pressure on you, and they were so much more fun to be with than adults. We shared an interest in in sports. I coached the Junior Tennis Team, took kids to tournaments, practised with them and had a great time. I tried not to think much about sexuality. This came naturally.

But things changed. At some point in my 20’s and 30’s I developed what I call childophobia. I’ve learned there is a clinical word called pedophobia. Kids scared me and I stayed the hell away from them. At some point in my 40’s, kids started crossing my path, and I totally lost that fear. I couldn’t figure out what I was afraid of. Me? Them? It made no sense. At 50ish, I fell in love with an 11 year old boy after being with him for a day, with friends. Safe to say, that very much freaked me out. I didn’t know it was possible. But that wasn’t the last time. And it was really quite benign, and felt right.

I’ve definitely had crushes and I’ve definitely fallen in love. I did my very best to make sure the girl never found out. In all the pedophile communities I’ve heard of, it is a very common experience. Of course, pedophiles cover a wide range of attitudes, just like teleiophiles do. Although a single glance can cause a rush of infatuation, I think most of us mean something more when we talk of love between adults – I would say it includes knowing a fair amount about the person and feeling strong positive regard for the totality. Anyone who thinks children lack complex, interesting personalities just doesn’t know much about children. Some ordinary teleiophiles would be uncomfortable with strong emotions, including love. Some might just recognize a sexual attraction. We should expect there to be parallels for all of these cases in pedophiles as well. You might well expect that pedophiles who have sex with children would be low on emotional intelligence and empathy. When their crimes come to light, such men are what is presented to the world as “pedophile”. Those who love children enough to leave them alone, including the ones they are in love with, will stay hidden. They might be the large majority.

As others have said, lots of kids have plenty of charisma. Maybe some adults just haven’t actually talked to children.

I have fallen in love with a few little girls over the years. It’s quite nice in a way, like feeling lovesick, but also unrequited, and unrequitable. So a lot of it just settles inside and hurts. Actually, now that I’ve typed that, I remember a few, and my heart hurts just a little again, for girls who are already adults now. I’m happy for them, for the awesome adults they’ve become, but just a little sad for me. But it’s not just hurt; it’s bittersweet.

I’ve not had a crush on anyone since I was a kid myself. I tend not to be around children, outside of my extended family. I’d have to get to know a girl before I fell in love with her.

I guess, most recently, my one friend had a really fun zany cousin who I met one time and never saw again. I didn’t fall in love with her, but I did spend most of my time that day talking with her instead of the friends I had gone to visit. Kids are really easy to talk to, and they say awfully fun things. Maybe if I’d spent more time with her I would’ve become infatuated, but it didn’t go like that.

About the children within my extended family: they’re not children that I have fallen in love with. I love them as family. Only one of them is a girl, mind you, but it doesn’t matter because I love them all equally. They are the most fun people to be around in my family. We play video games together. We talk about all sorts of stuff. They’re very funny. I don’t even feel like I’m parenting them when I’m the only adult with them. We’re just chilling out playing Mario Kart. I do get along with the adults, but I get along with the children better.

Why? They have charisma, I think.

I don’t care much for the phrasing of the question. Children do have charisma, if you see children as people. But yes, I have been in love with children before, on more than one occasion. It occurred, in my case, by having interactions with them on a regular basis and coming to know them as people and feel strong affection for them.

As many others have questioned, or challenged the second part of the question, I will not do it in any greater degree than saying; kids do have charisma, and tons of it.

I’ve been in love with a few boys in my life. At different stages of my own psychological devlopment and journey through discovering pedophilia.

1: I crushed on a 7-8yo boy when I was only 11-12 myself, before I ever reflected on what was different with me compared to others. There’s been some other crushes, but this one was more significant.

2: I was in love with a 7yo boy when I was 14, at a point where the thoughts of me being different had occured, and my sexual feelings also started kicking in for real.

3: I was in love with an 8yo boy when I was 19-20, a few years after I properly realized I was a pedophile, and I was struggling with the internalizzed stigma, shame and a deep, deep depression.

4: I am currently in love with a boy whom I have been in love for 3+ years now. First met him when he was 9 and today he is 12. I am now completely accepting of my attractions and at a very good place mentally.

It’s hard to explain, really. Being in love with a child feels the same as it feels for teleiophiles (adults attracted to adults). I’ve discussed this exact thing with my best friend, whom I’m out to. I get the same butterflies in my tummy, the same tingly sensations, the same longing and want to be with the person at all times, the same want for them to be mine. List every possible feeling that you have for adults, and I can probably say that I feel the same. Children, or in my case; boys are attractive to me, they are beautiful to me. They, to me, have every quality that I want in a partner, and every quality that makes me fall head over heels for them. The top items being their innocence, their curiosity, their sense of adventure and the way they view the world.

Due to what I am, I can not for the life of me understand why adults fall in love with adults. I don’t have any frame of reference for that since I am exclusive. And trust me, I’ve tried falling in love with adults, but there’s just nothing. And yes, I’ve been sad about that, and to be honest sometimes I still am. But what can I do? I’d rather try to enjoy the feelings that I do have and experience.