I Am a Parent Who Is Also a Pedophile

Many pedophiles have become parents. From our perspective, having heard from many non-abusing pedophiles, this sentence is much less scary than most people would assume.

Parenting is an incredible experience, but for a non-abusing pedophile there is a complex extra dimension. This dimension can be—but thankfully isn’t always—the cause of worries or problems.

Some of the worries could be:

• being sexually attracted to your own child, either early on or as they grow
• being sexually attracted to your child’s friends at some stage
• handling situations of intimate care, like bathing
• complications or trust issues if your co-parent knows about your attractions

Will you ever be attracted to your own child? There are reasons it may not happen. The popular theory known as the Westermarck effect says that sexual attraction is suppressed between people who live in close domestic proximity during the first few years of one or both of their lives. This is why it is unusual for siblings to be attracted to each other, or for a 40 year old father to be attracted to his 20-year-old daughter.

While the Westermarck effect is known not to be universal, there is anecdotal evidence that it often exists in pedophiles. Perhaps the most common thing we hear from pedophiles who have raised children is, “I had no attraction to them but I did find some of their friends attractive”. However, evidence for the Westermarck effect does not confirm how it works or whether it always happens.

Regardless, some parents can be attracted to their children. If you experience sexual thoughts about your own child, naturally you will be concerned about situations where you are physically close to them or giving them intimate care. Some pedophile parents have every faith they will act appropriately, but may wonder whether the way they act in an intimate situation is how a non-pedophile parent would act.

For some pedophile parents, the worries they have are understandable but unrealistic. The social stigma around pedophilia makes them fear things that they would not do because their morals would not allow it. If this is you, then it is likely that your love and care for your child would always keep you well clear of crossing any line.

If, instead, you feel that your sexual arousal is likely to lead to inappropriate behavior, then the protection of your child must come first. You need to seek help for it . If you reach out for help at the right time, you could save your child (and yourself) from a lifetime of serious regret, and prevent the destruction of family relationships.

Assuming you are not bringing up children alone, you may wonder about informing your co-parent of your attractions.

Many people would never risk this extremely difficult conversation. It certainly could lead to a loss of family and relationship, but does not always do so, especially when the co-parent is able to weigh up the situation objectively and without panicking. You will have a sense of whether this conversation could make things worse.

Whatever happens if you tell your co-parent, you have to go in expecting that they will think first of the welfare of the children. You are a parent: that means putting your needs second to those of your child.

Thinking ahead, there is the future possibility that your child later finds out you are a pedophile, and is uncomfortable even though you behaved appropriately and the child has no basis for thinking differently. (We haven’t often heard of this where a parent was not an offender.)