I Figured Out That Someone I'm Thinking of Getting Close to Is a Non-Offending Pedophile

Let’s start with a reality. “I am a pedophile” is not something anyone can say on a first date, even if it’s true.

It is not surprising that pedophiles do not tell even their closest loved ones about their pedophilia. Our society gives pedophiles almost no reasons to talk about it and many reasons to avoid that. Many people in our community say they will never talk about their attraction with anyone.

Many pedophiles seek relationships with adults. Often this is because we are attracted to adults as well as children. Sometimes it’s because we prefer children, but know we cannot have relationships with them, and would prefer not to be lonely in life. 

It makes sense for pedophiles to seek adult relationships instead of being alone. Most people would agree that this is a healthier aim for a pedophile than seeking to do anything illegal. However, they may feel quite different about having a pedophile as their own partner.

There are different ways that someone can find out their potential partner is a non-offending pedophile. Here are some:

• Discovering search history, where the partner has been looking for legal images of children
• Finding that they have a lot of pictures of children they don’t know
• Seeing messages on your partner’s device from a fellow non-offending pedophile
• Words the partner has used during lovemaking or sexting
• Discovering the partner has been visiting websites like virped.org
• Someone that knew about them decided to tell you without their permission

Sometimes one of these is enough by itself to believe someone is a pedophile; sometimes several different clues are needed.

Once you are sure your suspicion is correct, you have to decide whether you want or need to start a conversation about it with your partner.

While you decide on that, there are some things you may be wondering:

“Maybe I have jumped to the wrong conclusion?”   First you should check you understand what the word pedophile actually means , and understand that being attracted is not the same as abusing.

“How do I get out of this?”

If you are instantly sure that you cannot date a pedophile, then your priority will be ending the relationship. If you are uncomfortable with raising the topic of pedophilia, then you do not have to. You are leaving this person’s life, and this is not a problem you have to engage with. If you see no risk from their actions and no harm they are doing, then it causes less damage if you give some other reason why you don’t want to see them again.

“Can I continue seeing them without talking about it?”

You can. They are not a different person than you knew. They have not transformed.

They have not decided to tell you. Maybe they were hoping to later. Maybe they were hoping it would never come up. Both situations are possible, and if you prefer not to talk about it for now, then you are not under pressure to do so. Just bear in mind that the topic may still come up in future because you get more curious or they get more brave.

“I can’t go on dating them without a conversation on this topic first!”

This is understandable. You can’t choose to forget what you now know or strongly suspect. You will be trying to fit this fact about them into what you already know of them. To do this you may have to become curious about what pedophilia is and how they in particular experience pedophilia. Some careful research could be a good idea before starting that conversation.

“Is it appropriate to talk to a friend or other family member to get someone else’s view?”

There are two issues here: 

• your strong and understandable need to talk to a third person about this 
• the risks that come from telling anyone that you know or believe someone is a pedophile

You will have to balance these. In ideal circumstances, we don’t share highly private information about our partners without their knowledge or consent, but many partners of pedophiles feel a strong need to share what they are dealing with.

If you tell someone in your friend and family circle who overreacts, or who is more judgemental than you, then they might tell someone else, or decide to force your partner out of secrecy. That could later make it harder for you to work through the issues with your partner.

In the early stages, you may do better with an [anonymous helpline] ((https://virped.org/gethelp/) .) or (if you have access to one) a professional counselor. Other professionals will have a duty of confidentiality - although they will break confidentiality if they believe a child or another person is at risk. If you want the perspective of other pedophiles, we at VirPed will offer email advice.

After that, there are only two ways to resolve this: 

• have a conversation with your potential partner
• investigate more without their knowledge

Starting a conversation

We don’t know how your partner will react to you starting a conversation. Some pedophiles in this situation are too afraid and may deny or cover up. However, others will open up. This may depend on whether they think they will immediately get into trouble, or lose you as a partner. Many pedophiles do not talk about their attractions until it feels somewhat safe to do so . If your partner confirms you are right and that they are a pedophile, you can check out our page about what to do if your potential partner comes out to you . There is also some advice from Talking for Change about what to do if someone comes out to you .

What they tell you from this point onward, and how able they are to talk honestly will determine what the next steps can be.

If you are comfortable giving more details about your specific situation, you can email us with questions or to ask to Forum for Friends and Family , which sits alongside and overlaps with our main forum for adult pedophiles.