My Life-Partner Chose to Tell Me That They Are a Non-Offending Pedophile

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It likely came as a big shock to you when they told you. 

Either you had no idea, or you have long suspected but can’t believe they finally said it aloud.

Just because this information is now on the table, there is no need to panic. 

The most important thing you can do is find a way to continue the conversation.

Here are some possible reasons they have told you now:

  • they feel that keeping it a secret is impacting on your relationship in some way
  • someone else has found out and they know the secret won’t last
  • they hope you will still love them once you know but want to find out
  • they are struggling to deal with it and don’t know where else to turn for help

Here are some things you may be wondering:

“Can I stay with them now that I know this?”

Unless you are instantly sure you can’t, this is worth pausing on until you have had more conversations with your partner. They are not a different person than you knew and from their point of view, they have not transformed. You will be trying to fit this fact about them into what you already know of them, and to do this you may have to become curious about how they experience pedophilia.

“Is it appropriate to talk to a friend or other family member to get someone else’s view?”

There are two issues here: 

  • your strong and understandable need to talk to a third person about this 
  • the risks that come from telling anyone that you know someone is a pedophile. 

You will have to balance these. In ideal circumstances, we don’t share highly private information about our partners without their knowledge or consent, but many partners of pedophiles feel a strong need to share what they are dealing with.

If you tell someone in your friend and family circle who overreacts, or who is more judgemental than you, then they might tell someone else and that could later make it harder for you to work through the issues with your partner. 

In the early stages, you may do better with an anonymous helpline or a professional counselor. Other professionals will have a duty of confidentiality - although they will break confidentiality if they believe a child or another person is at risk. If you want the perspective of other pedophiles, we at VirPed will offer email advice.

“This could complicate my/our relationships with other family members”

This may be about children in the family, or it might be more about the potential for the secret to cause disruption.

With children in the family, a lot will depend on whose children they are and whether your partner has said anything that makes you worried about a specific child. Depending on the circumstances, you may need to think about this soon or maybe after talking with your partner you will conclude no immediate action is necessary. Your partner will surely expect you to come to a view on this.

You might feel stuck with secrecy around family members. You might even feel that you want to put distance between yourself and your friends and family to avoid complicated situations or difficult discussions. This is sometimes a natural thing to do while reflecting and talking with your partner, but you don’t have to assume this must happen in the future.

“Have they concealed other information about themself?”

This is a very common question that arises whenever a partner reveals a big secret. 

Pedophiles who come out soon become used to other people’s doubt about their honesty and their behavior. It makes sense to tell your partner if this doubt is on your mind, but be careful in the early stages about demanding assurances. If your partner forms the impression you won’t believe them any more, they may conclude that no assurance will do any good anyway, and they may react with silence.

After you have reflected, the best next step is to talk as openly as you can with them. It is OK to express your fears for them, and even for yourself, but some things that usually don’t help are:

  • sharing their disclosure without great thought and without talking to them first
  • you ‘taking control’ by giving opinions or setting unrealistic parameters for the conversation before it starts.
  • reaching a conclusion about what needs to be done before you have explored the topic and its implications with them.
  • getting too much into conversations about pedophilia in principle instead of how it affects this particular person. The ‘issues’ are important, but right now they are less important than you and them and what happens next for you both.

If after reflection you want to continue as their partner, then the following might be useful:



Firstly, thank you for coming to this website to find out more. Whether this news has made you panic or made you thoughtful, we can hopefully give you some perspective on the secret you now know.

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